


Bats and Recreation

by flukedoctor



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Gen, Parks and Rec AU, batfamily, there are some relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-02-04 22:03:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12780501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flukedoctor/pseuds/flukedoctor
Summary: Dick Grayson, Deputy Director of Gotham Parks and Recreation Department.(The batfamily are the parks and rec department)





	1. Meet the team

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by mtothedestiel's Love, Sex and Paperwork series, you should check it out, it's hilarious and their writing is amazing. https://archiveofourown.org/works/2326463

[Dick Grayson, deputy director of Gotham’s parks and recreation department sits behind his desk, smiling brightly.]

Dick: Oh yeah, I love working here, best job in the world. We're really making Gotham a better place, y’know? Plus, I get to work with my family which is the biggest bonus in the world.

/

[Dick gestures to the people spread out throughout the office, pointing to a man in a leather jacket with white streaks in his hair first.]

Dick: This is Jason, he'd have my job but I'm older and got here first. [Dick laughs.]

/

Jason: I never wanted his job. I will never want his job. I don't even want this one.

/

Dick: Then there's Tim, technically he's our intern but he knows the ropes well enough to run this place! [Dick laughs, again.]

[The camera pans to a young man sleeping at his desk, surrounded by monster energy cans.]

Dick: He's pretty tired! [Laughs] College students, am I right? [Whispering] Jason, wake him up.

[Jason throws a coffee cup at the wall behind Tim’s head. He wakes up startled and falls out his chair. Dick turns back to the camera, wide smile wavering slightly.]

/

Tim: I, uh, I'm here because Dick thought it'd be a good idea? I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm, just, so tired.

/

[ A blonde woman enters with two Starbucks drinks. She raises an eyebrow at the smashed coffee cup.]

Dick: Ah, Steph, you're here! Bit late, though, what happened?

[Stephanie looks up at Dick then back to the cup.]

Stephanie: What happened to my mug?

Tim [from the floor]: I've come to the conclusion that it was Jason.

Jason: You would be correct. Sorry Steph, desperate times call for desperate measures, is one of those for me?

[Stephanie throws a drink at Jason. He looks like he expected it.]

/

Stephanie: I'm the only one here not part of their family. You'll find out why in due course.

/

Dick [looking frazzled]: And here's Cass! She's great, don't know what we'd do without her!

[Cass glances up from filing her nails, then returns to filing her nails.]

/

Cass: I do nothing. None of us do anything except for Dick. Steph occasionally paints Jason and I’s nails. I'm thinking of going for red this week.

/

Dick: And last but not least, we've got the boss himself, Bruce Wayne!

[Dick gestures to an older man standing at the window of his office. He stares at the camera then closes the blinds. Dick continues to smile.]

/

Bruce: How would I describe working with my children? [He looks into the camera.] A regret.

/

Dick [behind his desk again.]: Yeah, so as I was saying. We truly are making Gotham a better place.

[The commotion of a coffee cup being smashed sounds, followed by various whooping.]

Dick: Yep, a real better place. 


	2. IT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gordons get in on this.

[Bruce Wayne leans back in his chair, a protective grip on his cup of coffee.]

Bruce: Some would say it's unlawful to have a family run an entire department, but I am above the law and can do what I like.

/

Jim Gordon, City Manager: Did Wayne say he's above the law? That son of a-

/

Dick: I think something's wrong with my computer.

Jason: No there's not.

Dick: No, seriously it won't turn on.

Tim: Have you tried turning it off and on again.

[Cass snorts.]

Dick: I think I'm going to have to call IT.

/

Jason: Dick has this insane crush on the IT girl, it's kind of embarrassing. Tim says he's caught him pulling apart his computer just so she'll have to come. It's ridiculous.

/

[A red headed woman in a wheelchair enters the office.]

Dick: Hey Babs, how're you?

Barbara: Fine thanks, something wrong with your computer?

Dick: Yeah, it won't turn on.

Barbara: Again? That's weird, I thought I fixed it Tuesday.

Dick: Yeah you did, who knows how these things happen.

/

Barbara: Yeah, I think Dicks okay. I mean, he's kind of cute. But he can't work a computer to save his life, I think someone might be messing with him.

/

[Dick stands alone in the office, tearing various wires out of the back of his computer. When he catches sight of the camera he drops to the floor in panic. A few moments pass and he stands back up, waving a pen he is clearly pretending to have been looking for.]

/

Tim: Called it. 


	3. The Joker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason and clowns do not mix.

 

[The parks department excluding Bruce sit at the table in the conference room. Dick is standing up, gesturing to a whiteboard.]

Dick: Okay gang, the annual picnic for the orphanage is next week, let’s hear your ideas.

Steph: A bounce house!

Dick [writing on the whiteboard.] : Mhm, mhm, what else?

Jason: A petting zoo.

Dick [sighs]: No, Jason. You remember what happened last year.

/

Dick: Jason got mixed up and instead of ordering the petting zoo with all the furry cute animals like goats and bunnies, he got reptiles. They brought a live alligator into the park.

/

Jason: It wasn’t an accident.

/

Cass: Face painting?

Dick: Excellent, Cass you’ll man the booth, Damian can help.

[Tim snorts. Dick glares and carries on.]

Dick: Okay so food wise, I was thinking hotdogs, burgers and beluga caviar.

Steph: Wait, _what_?

Dick: Yeah, I was kind of confused too but it was one of the most popular choices from the surveys Tim took last month.

[Everyone turns to Tim who nods eagerly.]

Tim: Yep, that’s right. That’s what the kids said they wanted, completely. Of course, all truthful.

/

Tim: I may have forgotten to do the surveys. Then Dick kept hassling me for the results so I just made them up. I might’ve gotten a bit carried away.

/

Dick: Okay, so I think we’ll have everything sorted. Steph, will you set up the bounce house?

[Steph salutes Dick as she swings on her chair.]

Dick: Perfect, and we’ve got a face painting booth left over from the summer fair, I’ll just need to pick up some paints. Oh, Jay, what time did you book the clown for?

Jason: What clown?

Dick: Y’know, the clown I asked you to book a month ago. I asked you to do it the same time I asked Tim to do the surveys?

[Tim shrugs at the camera.]

Jason: I don’t really recall that.

Dick: You were eating a chilli dog at the time?

Jason: Well there’s your problem. You know not to talk to me during chilli dog time.

Cass: He's got a point.

Dick: No, no he has no point. Does this mean we don’t have a clown?

Jason: Calm down, I’ll book one later.

Dick [groaning]: No, we had this problem last year, you need at least a months advancement for booking.

Tim [smirking]: Does this mean we’re doing what we did last year?

Jason: No way! I am not dealing with that clown again!

Dick: Well if you don’t get a clown booked for next Saturday, you’re the one asking Councilman Napier to fill in.

/

Jason: Councilman Napier is the worst person in existence. I hate him with every ounce of energy I have.

/

[Councilman Jack Napier, a man with green hair and a sinister smile stands in the hallway outside the parks department.]

Councilman Napier: Yes, I hate the parks department. I’ve been trying to get them shut down since the first day I saw Bruce Wayne and his brats. It’s fun winding them up though, especially the angry one.

/

Dick [pinching his brow]: Jason and Councilman Napier do not get on. They have never have and I doubt they ever will. I have no personal opinion on Councilman Napier as I must respect all my colleagues here in government.

/

Bruce: We hate him.

/

Tim: He just ruins everything. He’s weird and vulgar and just downright creepy. Thing is, he’s a decent clown.

/

Councilman Napier: Yes, I work part time as a clown. It’s my passion really, they call me the Joker.

/

Dick: Jason swears he saw Councilman Napier smash his windscreen with a crowbar.

/

Jason: He did! Did Dick say he didn’t? Jesus Christ, none of them believe me! He did! I swear to-

/

Councilman Napier: -and I have a tattoo of a skull in a jester's hat just across from the laughing, I wanted the word damaged on my forehead but- what? Did I smash his windscreen? Well, [He grins again.] What can I say, I’m crazy. [He winks.]

/

Jason: That [beep]ing clown.

 

_Several hours later._

 

[Jason sits at his desk with his head in his hands.]

Jason: Nobody takes last minute bookings. Nobody. Every [beep]ing clown needs at least a _month_ in advance. This is beyond a joke. [Takes a deep breath.] I have to go ask him. I have to go _speak_ to him. Maybe I could just fake my death.

/

Councilman Napier: -and then I’ve got this smile, see? [He holds up his hand, showcasing his tattoo of a sinister smile that matches his own ] A couple of locals and officials weren’t too happy about that but-

Jason: Napier!

Councilman Napier: Oh, look, it’s one of Wayne’s brats. Jamie, is it?

Jason [growling.]: [beep] off, you know fine well it’s Jason.

Councilman Napier: Ah, Jason, how could I forget? Weren’t you the one that brought that crocodile to the annual orphanage picnic last year?

Jason: It was an alligator.

Councilman Napier: Oh yes, silly me.

Jason: ...Anyway, speaking of the picnic, [deep breath] would you like to work as the clown again.

[Councilman Napier’s face lights up in a devious smile.]

Councilman Napier: Oh, wow Jamie, how kind of you to ask. _However_ -

[Jason stares into the camera.]

Councilman Napier: -As you may not be aware, most professional clowns can only take bookings a month in advance.

[Jason continues staring into the camera.]

Jason [with forced enthusiasm]: Aw, c’mon, you always have a great time there, and the kids love you.

[Councilman Napier scratches his chin in why appears to be a thoughtful manner.]

Councilman Napier: That _is_ true. Okay, I’ll tell you what, I’ll do this for you and _you_ can do something for me.

[Jason bites his lip and stares into the camera once again, his eyes dead.]

Jason [with a deep sigh]: Deal.

/

Jason: Yeah, he’s going to kill me.

/

Councilman Napier: [maniacal laughter.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m referencing the Leto joker, if that wasn’t clear. 
> 
> Thank you for reading !


	4. The picnic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the day of the picnic. What could go wrong?

[It is the day of the annual picnic for the orphanage. Martha Wayne park has been decked out in bright decorations and features various activities that children are taking part in happily.]

Dick [grinning widely]: It’s turned out really well, it’s not grey and dreary for once, the kids are happy, the teams doing good.

[The camera pans to the members of the parks department spread out throughout the park.]

[Cass sits at the face painting booth with what looks like an eleven year old child who is scowling.]

Cass [with a butterfly painted on her cheek]: We’ve been doing good. Kids love facepaint.

The boy sitting next to her [still scowling]: I don’t.

Cass: This is Damian, our youngest brother. He loves face painting and running around and playing games like any other child.

Damian: I do not! This is ridiculous and I refuse to be apart of it!

[He remains in his seat. Cass winks at the camera.]

Cass [stage whispering]: I am going to paint his face like a bunny if it is the last thing I do.

[We then go over to Steph who is manning the barbecue.]

Steph: The hotdogs and burgers are going down a treat. The beluga caviar? Not so much. Turns out kids hate caviar, who knew. [She glares at the untouched bowl then glares over at Tim where he is refereeing a three legged race.]

Tim: The caviar situation is fine, Dick won’t put two and two together. Besides, means more left for us, right?

/

Dick: Y’know, people always think it’s me that wants to put this whole thing on, but really it’s B. [He points over to where Bruce is serving ice cream to small children, a large smile not unlike Dick’s across his face.] I know at work it kind of seems like he has no personality but honestly, he loves kids and he really does want to make Gotham a better place for them. I mean, that’s how we all ended up here. Bruce found us and wanted us to have better lives, me, Tim, Cass, Jason…

[Dick pauses and looks around.]

Dick: I’ve not actually seen Jason all day. Where is he? Councilman Napier is about to start.

/

[Jason stands in the entrance to the bounce house, he is out of breath and his hair is ruffled.]

Jason: Basically, I’m hiding. Napier hasn’t cashed in the favour I owe him yet and I’m terrified of what he wants. Last year he made me be his volunteer, he didn’t even need a volunteer, I had to stand with him for his full set until the end when he shoved a pie in my face. It was humiliating. So, this year I’m hiding right here until this is all over.

[He spots Dick wandering past and loudly calling for him.]

Jason: And that’s my cue to go. [He salutes the camera and jumps back into the bounce house, disappearing behind the sea of children.]

/

Dick: Okay, so Jason is completely missing, I’ll file a missing persons report later if he doesn’t show up, but Councilman Napier is about to go on and honestly this could go either way.

[Councilman Napier stands on a poorly built stage next to the bounce house. Jason can be seen jumping in it’s small window.]

Councilman Napier: Ladies and gentleman! Welcome to the greatest show on earth! [He then begins pulling a handkerchief from his sleeve.]

Dick: He started with this trick last year. It lasted thirty minutes.

/

Tim: So, Steph, any beluga caviar left?

Steph: You know damn well there’s caviar left, you dork. We all know you screwed up.

Tim: Is that including Dick?

Steph: Of course not, he knows nothing.

Tim: That’s fine then, I’m safe for now and I’m just happy to live in the moment. Now, about that caviar.

[Steph picks up the bowl and holds it out to Tim. He grins and leans forward to take some but Steph smashes the caviar into his face.]

/

Dick [as he’s getting a bird painted onto his face by Cass]: You haven’t seen Jason, have you?

Cass: No, stop moving.

Dick: Okay, okay, I just needed him to keep an eye on Councilman Napier, but I told Tim to get on it, he’s on it, right?

[Cass looks over to where Tim is wiping caviar off his face while Steph laughs and takes pictures.]

Cass: Yes.

Dick: Ah, great. I didn’t want to have to ask Bruce to do it, he gets really into that egg toss thing and tearing him away from that to watch Napier would probably get my head bit off.

Cass: Mhm, I told you to stop moving.

Dick: The kids are having a good time though, right? I saw you got Damian’s face painted, he looks adorable! Wait, where is he?

Cass: He’s watching the clown, stay _still_.

Dick: Where’s he sitting? Is he at the front? Is he being a disturbance, is he _heckling_? He did that at his school play once, while he was on stage.

Cass: Dick, calm down, he’s fine.

Dick: Did you check? You didn’t check, I need-

Cass: Okay, fine I’ll check, but you have to _sit still_.

[Cass looks up at the performance.]

Cass: Everything’s fine, Damian is sitting still and the kids are laughing and Napier is juggling knives, it’s fine.

[Cass realises what she has said and her head snaps back up.]

Dick: He's juggling _what?!_

[Dick stands and starts to sprint over to the stage, where Councilman Napier is juggling knives while cackling like a witch.]

Dick: Stop! Stop what you’re doing!

[The cries have attracted attention from many of the picnic goers, as well as the majority of the parks department, including Bruce.]

Councilman Napier: Calm down! I know what I’m doing!

Dick: No! This is a hazard, you have to-

[In his haste to stop the show, Dick trips over the house blowing air into the bounce house and lands flat on his face. The hose is ripped from the bounce house and it quickly begins to lose air.]

Dick: [beep]! Help those kids!

[The parks department begin helping children out of the bounce house as it deflates rapidly. Jason is the last to stumble out, also falling flat on his face. Councilman Napier continues to juggle knives and laughs hysterically.]

Bruce [staring into the camera]: All I wanted to do is make Gotham a better place. Then I decided to have children.

 


	5. Scandal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A scandal? How scandalous.

  
Jason: Well, well, well, have I got a scandal for you. Don’t look at me like that, _I’ve_ not been caught doing anything, not recently anyway, but it’s about our cute little intern and whatever Stephanie does here.

[Jason holds his phone up, a grainy video of Tim and Stephanie kissing passionately in the copy room plays.]

Jason [leaning back in his chair with a smug grin]: Yep, who could’ve known.

/

Cass: Of course I knew, Steph tells me everything.

/

Tim: The copy room, uh, it’s just down the hall. What do I do there? Uh, I make copies?

/

Steph: What’re you talking about copies- oh. Oh shit. Who told you? Jason? It was Jason wasn’t it. I bet Tim told him, Jesus Christ that boy can’t keep his damn-

/

Cass: I mean, I doubt either of them would get fired. Well, Tim definitely wouldn’t. He’s Bruce’s son, so yeah, that’s unlikely and Stephanie? She gets Bruce coffee every morning so that’s out of the question. I don’t actually know what would happen.

/

Jason: Well, Dicks a stickler for the rules so he’ll probably organise some disciplinary meeting or some [beep] like that and like, Bruce hates this department having a reputation. He already gets enough [beep] for hiring all his kids, if something like that gets out people are going to think Bruce is above the law or something.

/

Bruce: Of course I’m above the law, what kind of question is that?

/

Dick: Are office relations allowed? Well, technically I don’t think so, but we’ve never really had a reason to think about it, I mean we’re all family here. [He thinks for a moment.] Well, Stephanie technically isn’t our family but- wait. Is Stephanie having a relation with somebody in the office?

/

Dick: Stephanie, could you step into my office, please?

[Steph looks up and glances at the camera before nodding. She hits Tim over the head on her way past.]

Dick: Jason, would you mind giving us some privacy for a few moments?

Jason: No, I’m busy. [He is playing a Nintendo DS.]

Dick: Jason.

Jason: Fine, fine, you breathe too loud anyway.

[Jason vacates and Dick and Steph sit.]

Dick: Now, the reason I have called you in today-

Steph: I’m going to stop you right there Dick and tell you to cut this formal crap.

Dick: Well, Stephanie-

Steph: Since when do you not call me Steph?

Dick [exasperated] : Okay, fine, Steph, I know you’re having a relation with someone in this office and I need to know who.

Steph: Did Jason tell you?

Dick: It’s Jason?! Seriously? I never would have guessed that.

Steph: Who would you have guessed?

Dick: I don’t know, maybe Cass? You guys are so close.

Steph: She’s my bestfriend, we’re supposed to be close.

Dick: Oh, I’m sorry for making assumptions. So it’s Jason?

[Steph purses her lips and glances out the window. Tim gives her an encouraging thumbs up while Jason continues to play his DS. He has that smug smile on his face again.]

Steph: Yes, me and Jason have a _relation_.

/

Steph: Yeah, I really like Tim, we’ve been dating a couple months now and I don’t want to drag him down with me. Instead, I’m going to drag Jason down for being a little rat. Also, he ate my burrito last week.

/

Dick: Well, Steph, I am disappointed, in both of you.

Steph: I am sorry to let you down Dick.

Dick: I am too Steph, I am too.

/

Steph: I’m not worried about being fired. Bruce isn’t going to care and if Dick really wants to go that far, it’ll be Jason. Trust me.

/

Dick: Jason, I need to speak with you.

Jason: Can it wait, I’m in a gym battle.

Dick: No, Jason, now.

Jason: Ugh, you’re the worst.

[He snaps his DS shut and spins his chair to face Dick.]

Jason: What’s going on Dickie?

Dick: Jason, I know.

[Jason looks momentarily stunned, as if he’s trying to remember what he has done.]

Jason: What’re you talking about?

Dick: Jason, [deep sigh] I never thought I’d have to address this.

Jason: Okay, if this is about that thing I did to your room at the manor, I’m sorry, it was Damian’s idea.

Dick: What? I’m talking about you and Steph.

Jason: Me and Steph?

Dick: Yeah, wait what did you do to my room? Actually, never mind, we’ll deal with that later. Are you aware that relations are forbidden in the workplace?

Jason: _Relations_? What the [beep] are you talking about Dick?

Dick: Steph told me about the nature of your relationship and I have to say you should’ve known better Jason. You are a senior member of this team.

Jason: Yeah, by like two years.

Dick: Nevertheless, I’m going to have to talk to B about this and we’ll decide the best way to take disciplinary action.

Jason: But me and Steph don’t _have_ a relationship.

Dick: There’s no use lying Jason, what’s done is done and you’re going to have to face the consequences. Now, I believe we’re finished here, you may go.

Jason: [beep] off, this is my office too.

/

Jason: I can kind of believe Steph doing this, I mean I did eat her burrito. But c’mon, I can’t really believe Dick thinks I’d date Steph, I’m so not into blondes. 

/

[In the communal area of the department.]

Jason: Steph! Tell Dick I’m not sleeping with you!

Steph: No way! You ratted out me and Tim!

Tim: Wait, what?

Steph: Jason told the cameras that he caught us in the copy room last night and they told Dick I had a _relation_ with someone in the office.

Tim [turning to the camera]: Seriously? Is that why you get asking about the copy room earlier?

Jason: It doesn’t matter who told who, tell Dick I’m not sleeping with you.

Steph: No.

Tim: Why not?

Steph: Because he’s not been chewed out by Bruce yet.

Jason: Well [beep] you, I’m just going to go tell Bruce now.

[He starts over towards Bruce’s office.]

Steph: Oh no you don’t!

[She runs ahead of Jason and they both force themselves into Bruce’s office.]

Jason: Steph and Tim are in a relationship!

Steph: I’m sleeping with Jason!

Jason: You are not!

Steph: Am too!

[Cass, Tim and Dick enter the office too.]

Dick: What is going on?

Jason: I’m telling the truth before Steph gets you to spread her lies to Bruce.

Steph: What lies babe? We’re in _love_.

Tim: Okay, I’m going to need to step in here.

Jason: Thank you!

Steph: Tim, no!

Bruce [shouting]: Everybody shut up!

[The office falls silent.]

Bruce: Dick, what is going on?

Dick: Uh, Steph told me she has a relation with Jason.

Jason: She doesn’t, she has it with Tim.

Steph: That’s a lie.

Jason: Really? I’ve got proof.

[He pulls out his phone, replaying the grainy footage from earlier.]

Tim: Jesus Christ Jason, just broadcast our personal lives to the world why don’t you.

Jason: I got desperate, Steph wouldn’t drop it.

Steph: That wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t ratted us out in the first place!

Dick: Wait, so you lied to me to get Jason in trouble?

Steph: Of course I did, I wasn’t going to drag Tim down too.

Tim: Aw babe.

Bruce [pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration]: Is that all this was about?

Cass: Yeah, pretty much.

Bruce: Okay, I don’t care.

Dick: What? Office romances are strictly forbidden!

Bruce: I’m pretty sure so he is hiring your entire family but we’re all here aren’t we? Now all of you get out and leave me alone.

[They leave Bruce alone in his office.]

Bruce: I just, [sighs] I’m so done with this.

/

Dick: So, all in all it was a pretty exciting day. I found out the girl I’ve always thought of as my sister was dating my little brother, then found out she was dating my other little brother and got to witness them making out, which is always kind of weird. Nevertheless, back to the daily grind now, right Jason?

[Jason is once again playing his Nintendo DS.]

/

Steph: I don’t really care that everyone knows now. We were going to get caught sooner or later.

Tim: Hey Steph I need to make some copies, come with?

Steph: You betcha. [She winks at the camera.]

/

Cass: Have we had any real scandals? Yes, and they all involve Jason. [She smiles deviously.] He really needs to stop eating other people’s food.


	6. The Reporter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [A handsome man enters.]

  
Dick: Exciting day today, we’ve got a reporter coming in all the way from Metropolis to do a story on us. Us! Our little department! Exciting times.

/

Bruce: The reporter can [beep] off.

/

Dick: Alright gang, our lives are going to be broadcasted across the world this week, best behaviour everyone!

Jason: Dick, it’s Clark. Clark is doing this because you begged him to.

Dick: Why so cynical Jason? This is a big opportunity for us!

Cass: You say that as if we’ve never been reported on before.

/

[Cass holds up several framed newspapers.

The first reads: _Terror at Orphanage picnic!_ ]

Cass: This was from when Councilman Napier threw knives and Dick deflated the bounce house with Jason still in it.

[The next one reads: _Parks and recreation department head punches Council Member._ ]

Cass: That one is pretty self explanatory.

[The last one reads: _Eleven year old child barricades self in Mayor’s office_.]

Cass: That was Damian, but we still like to take credit for that. We’re the ones who encouraged him to get into politics after all.

/

Dick: But now is our chance for good publicity!

Tim: Technically speaking there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

Dick: Yes there is! And for some reason we keep them all framed!

Steph: All I’m thinking is that maybe we should have focused on doing something to garner attention instead of you bribing Clark with our pool and Bruce’s burgers to write about us.

Dick: Have you been listening to my phone calls again?

Steph: Oh honey I’m always listening.

/

[Later, a muscular handsome man in glasses enters the department.]

[Upon spotting him, Dick jumps up and sprints out of his office.]

Dick: Clark! You’re here!

Clark: Uh, yeah? This is the time you said to arrive? Hi everyone!

[He waves to the department only to be ignored and Bruce closes his blinds.]

Clark: Did I say something?

Dick: No, not at all, everyone’s just kind of nervous.

[Jason snorts.]

/

[Dick stands nervously at the window of Bruce’s office, staring at the blinds and chewing his nails.]

Tim: Can you sit down already? It’s been a half hour, Bruce isn’t opening those blinds.

Dick: But what are they talking about? Clark’s supposed to be doing an article about _all_ of us, not just Bruce!

Cass: I somewhat doubt this is about the article.

Dick: What?

Steph: Oh Dick. So young. So naive.

Dick: What? What are you talking about?

[Bruce’s office door suddenly opens. Clark exits, his hair ruffled and tie loose.]

Clark: So, uh, thanks for the, uh, exclusive Bruce, I’ll let you know when the article is printed.

[Bruce leans in his doorway, his own hair also tousled and the top three buttons of his shirt are undone.]

Bruce: Yeah, you do that.

[Clark blushes and leaves the department, waving over his shoulder as he goes.]

Dick: Bruce? What did you do?

[The office door slams shut.]

[Jason snorts.]

/

_A few days later._

[Dick grins proudly as he hangs up a new framed newspaper.]

Dick: Would you look at that headline! ‘ _Gotham Parks And Recreation sets example for all_!’ Now that’s something worth framing, a couple more of those and we’ll be on top of the world!

Jason: Yeah Dick, I bet you won’t even have to beg Clark to come back next time.

Dick: Nope! He didn’t even use the pool this time, whatever B told him must’ve been real good content!

/

Bruce: The reporter isn’t so bad.

/

Steph: So yeah, Dick basically begged a guy to come get fucked by his dad.

Cass: At least we got a nice article out of it.

Steph: Oh yeah, and something tells me it won’t be the last. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments and kudos !! You guys are the best !!


	7. The Protest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Batcow: [moos]

[There is a large crowd gathered in Alfred Pennyworth Park. Dick pushes through frantically while Tim and Steph linger behind.]

Dick [panting]: There’s uh, there’s been an incident at [he takes a deep breath] at the local farm. They were having a School trip, and, and—

[He emerges to the front where a young boy sits chained to a cow chained to a tree. Dick looks ready to collapse while Tim and Steph burst into laughter.]

Dick: Damian!

[The boy looks up and scowls, wrapping an arm around the cow’s neck.]

Damian: Get out of here Grayson! I’m busy!

Dick: H-how did you even do this?

Damian: That’s none of your business!

[There is a cackling above them. The camera pans up and Jason is revealed squatting on a branch, brandishing his phone and laughing madly.]

Dick: Jason! This is not what I meant when I said you should chaperone Damian’s field trip!

Jason: Oh lighten up Dickhead, you’re the one that inspired him.

Tim [still laughing]: He’s got a point, you’re the one always telling us to fight for what we believe in.

Dick: I meant stand up for human rights and that, not to kidnap cows!

Damian: They murder these animals at that farm Grayson! How can you just sit back and let that happen?

Jason: Yeah Dick, how can you just let that happen?

Dick [exasperated]: I— Damian! Dami, that’s how we get meat!

Damian: Explain.

Dick: Dami, meat comes from cows, like, burgers and steak.

Damian: That is barbaric!

Dick: Dami—

Damian: No! I will not stand for this! We shall never eat meat again!

Steph: Speak for yourself kid, I’m not giving up steak because you grew a heart.

Tim: Ditto.

Damian: You’re monsters! All of you! I won’t let this animal fall victim to your greed!

Dick: Dami, it’s normal, the circle of life and all that.

Damian: You’re ridiculous Grayson.

Jason: Better get some new metaphors Dickie, kid doesn't do Disney.

Dick: Damian, please, that cow doesn’t belong to you.

Steph: I believe this is where the term finders keepers losers weepers applies.

Damian: The girl is correct! I found him, he’s mine!

Jason: You should probably check what’s under your new pet before calling it a he.

[The camera zooms in on the cow’s udder. When it zooms back out Dick is staring into the camera brokeningly.]

Dick: Dami, c’mon, we can’t do this. Not here.

Damian: I can and I will, and I will not rest until the world is aware of the barbarity!

Tim: The world knows kid, you’re not doing anyone any favours here.

Steph: No I’d say the cow is having a pretty good time.

Jason: Same, I’ve got over a thousand views on my Snapchat story documenting this.

Dick [somehow even more exasperated]: _Guys_.

[Suddenly a sleek black car pulls up to the curb, and Bruce steps out. He does a once over of the situation then sighs.]

Bruce: Damian, where did you get that cow?

Damian: Todd and I rescued it!

Jason: Hey don’t go dragging me down you little demon.

[Bruce sighs once again.]

Bruce: Okay. Come on. Damian take the cow, Jason get out the tree.

[His children stand confused.]

Damian: Where?

Bruce: We’re going home. I need to lie down.

Dick: But what about the cow!

Bruce: Damian can keep his cow, we’ll keep it in the yard or something. I don’t care, I’m just, so tired.

[Both Damian and Jason cheer loudly while Dick’s jaw drops open.]

Dick: Bruce we can’t keep a cow in the yard! Do you have any idea how—

/

_The next day._

  
Tim: Yesterday was pretty eventful, we got a new pet which is pretty fun, and I guess we all learned something new.

Steph: Yeah, Dami learned what steak is made from, we all learned that we can get anything we want from Bruce if he’s tired enough—

Dick: —And I learned that Jason cannot be trusted as a chaperone.

Jason: Aw Dickie, deep down you already knew that.

Dick: [sighs] I guess I did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus Cass back at the department answering the phone. 
> 
> Cass: No I’m sorry the director isn’t here right now, our brother stole a cow. No, the deputy director isn’t here either. I already told you why, our brother stole a cow. 
> 
> [She hangs up.]


	8. Sleep deprivation with Tim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finals are killer.

[It is an early start this morning, and we are following Dick as he walks into the department.]

Dick: Ah, I’m not bothered about early mornings, it just makes the day even longer! I wish everyone else felt the same way, they all need at least six cups of coffee to even be capable of conversation. I mean it’s—

[He cuts off as he reaches the door to find Tim standing outside it, pointing his car key at the lock.]

Dick: Tim? What’re you doing?

[Tim looks up. There are bags under his eyes and it looks like he could collapse at any moment. He is exhausted.]

Tim: I’m, uh, trying to get into the department. My key won’t, uh, work.

Dick: That's because you’re using your car key?

[Tim looks down and stares at his hand for a good three minutes. Eventually he lets out a sigh.]

Tim: This isn’t my car.

/

Steph: It’s finals week, which means Tim is pretty much a sleep deprived zombie from studying so much. He has no idea what’s going on.

[Her phone beeps. She looks at it and sighs.]

Steph: He just texted me asking where I am.

[The camera zooms out to reveal Tim sitting next to Steph.]

/

Jason: Tim pass the stapler.

[Tim tosses Jason a pen.]

Jason: No Timbo, the stapler.

[Tim tosses Jason a box of paper clips that falls to the floor.]

Jason: Tim. The _stapler_.

[Tim tosses Jason his mouse.]

Jason: Are you fucking stupid? The stapler!

[Tim hurls his monitor at Jason.]

/

Tim: I, uh, I’ll be back.

Cass: Where are you going Tim?

Tim: I need to have a shower.

Steph: What?

Tim: Dirt.

Dick: Dirt?

Tim: _Dirt_.

/

Jason: Uh, guys. What the fuck?

Dick: What?

Jason: Why is the stapler in the fridge?

Tim: Oh. It’s for Jason.

Jason: Tim. I’m Jason.

Tim: No. He asked for the stapler.

Jason: Uh, yeah. Like an hour ago.

Tim: Tell him that’s where I put it.

Jason: _Tim_.

Tim: Dick?

Dick: Yeah buddy?

Tim: _Jason is dead_.

Jason: I wish Timbo, I wish.

/

Cass: Tim did you call back Mr Sionis?

Tim: Bald.

Cass: Yes, he is bald.

/

[The phone on Tim’s desk rings. He stares at it until it stops ringing, and then answers.]

Tim: Hello?

Steph: Tim they stopped calling.

Tim: Why?

Steph: Because you didn’t answer.

Tim: I had to wait for the ringing to, uh, stop.

Steph: [sighs] Why did you have to wait for the ringing to stop?

Tim: I wouldn’t be able to hear them if there was ringing?

Steph: Tim I am going to kill you.

/

[Bruce enters his office to find Tim asleep on his desk. He sighs.]

Bruce: Tim, go home and sleep.

Tim [mumbling]: Got to work.

Bruce: You’re useless. Go home.

Tim: Got the uh, finals. I’m doing a final.

Bruce: Your finals are done. Go home.

Tim: B?

Bruce: What?

Tim: Get out my room please.

[Bruce rolls his eyes and storms out, slamming the door behind him. The sound startles Tim and he falls off the desk.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of these are based on real life situations.


	9. The Park Ranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Park Ranger = Space Ranger = Green Lantern

  
Bruce: Dick, I’ve decided to move the department underground.

Dick: Bruce no!

Tim: Bruce yes!

/

 

[It is a usual rainy day in Gotham and Dick and Jason stand at the entrance of Thomas Wayne park. Jason is smoking a cigarette while trying to stand under Dick’s umbrella.]

Dick: We’re here today to meet with a park ranger to discuss a recent influx of cats around the area.

Jason: Some psycho set like a hundred cats into the park last week and now we have an infestation.

Dick: You can’t really go calling our citizens psychos Jason.

Jason: I can if it’s the truth.

Dick: Still, it makes us sound unprofessional. Anyway, these cats are really becoming a problem, they’re chasing off all the robins and without them the park is a little dreary.

Jason: Are you sure it’s the cats chasing them away? I’m pretty sure Napier has been kidnapping them.

Dick: Why would he do that?

Jason: Why would a man get a tattoo of his mouth on his hand? Why would he smash my windscreen with a crowbar? We can ask ourselves these questions all day but we’re never going to get a real answer.

[Dick sighs and looks at the camera. They are soon joined by the park ranger, a young man with floppy black hair and a bright grin.]

Dick: Kyle! Thanks so much for joining us.

Kyle: Your dad signs my paychecks, I kind of have to be here.

Dick: Oh yeah, well thanks anyway, I know you must be busy.

Kyle: Not at all. Do you really think this park is in use when it’s raining like this?

Jason: C’mon Rayner, throw the guy a bone.

[Kyle and Jason’s eyes meet and they stare at each other for a good minute before Dick clears his throat.]

Kyle: You think you could quit sucking on that death stick Jay? You’re polluting up my air.

Jason: You want me to be sucking on something else?

Kyle: That can be arranged. But later. Right now we’ve got cats to wrangle.

[Kyle and Jason both laugh, while Dick stares into the camera and mouths; _What the fuck?_ ]

/

Jason: Is there anything going on with me and Rayner? [He holds up his hand and wiggles his ring finger, where a wedding band sits.] Uh, we’re fucking married.

/

Kyle: How long? I’d say about a year. It happened when we were Vegas for Jay’s birthday. Quiet affair, all that jazz. We low key live together, I don’t think his family know.

/

Jason: Nobody knows but us. And Roy. But that’s it. I just like to keep things private.

/

Cass: I know but Jason does not know that I know. Kyle knows that I know. But he does not know that Jason does not know that I know.

/

_Later, back at the department._

Dick [picking cat hair off of himself]: So Jason, what was that back there?

Jason: Are you talking about when that cat pushed me over? Because that’s not never mentioning it again.

Dick: No, I meant that flirting thing with Kyle.

Jason: Oh yeah. It was flirting.

Dick: I gathered. But why?

Jason: Uh, because he’s hot?

Dick: Oh. Okay.

/

Dick: There’s definitely something going on there. I just have a sixth sense for these things. I don’t think it’ll work though, I can’t see Jason being in a relationship.

/

Kyle: Are you ever going to tell him?

Jason: Nah, he’ll just start crying. It’s not worth it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh I just really love jaykyle
> 
> Also 10 points if you can guess who released all the cats

**Author's Note:**

> Just bear with me here.


End file.
